MMORPGs Are A Lot Like Women

They drive men crazy. They infuriate and infatuate us. They make us feel the heights of pleasure and desire and take us to depths of despair and jealousy. Yes, MMORPGs are a lot like women.

Sexist and chauvinistic, I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it.

Everquest

EQ is your mother. She raised you and weened you, instilling you with concepts and morals. Although you’ve flown the coop now and moved on with your life to explore the great world that awaits, she will always remain close to your heart and the first woman you ever loved. Sometimes though, just sometimes, you’re filled with strange Freudian urges towards her.

Star Wars: Galaxies

You had a crush on his girl in high school for years, always hoping that one day you could hook up together. Eventually that day came and it was the most highly anticipated night of your life. Clumsy, fiddly, and awkward, it wasn’t quite what you expected but you enjoyed it none-the-less. After a brief romance, you both called it off for a while but with every intention of rekindling the affair in the near future. However, the next time you met her, you discovered she’d had a hideous face transplant.

Age of Conan

The sultry temptress you met whilst on a drinking binge in Mexico. Passionate, fiery and beautiful, she showed you delights you’d never thought of before. However, after a hot and steamy holiday romance, you discovered that you both had absolutely nothing in common and conversation was as dry and dull as an African riverbed. You soon returned home, only ever occasionally wondering ‘what if’.

EVE Online

Eve is the smart, intelligent, plain looking girl who works in the library. You never fancied her before but all of your friends told you she was capable of the most rewarding relationship ever possible and completely uncompromising in bed to boot. Difficult to woe, impossible to understand yet appealing in every way, this girl is a puzzle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma. One day, maybe one day, you hope to tame the savage beast that is her heart.

World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft is your wife. Maybe not the hottest woman in the land but she’s perfect to you in every way and fulfills your every need. Loyal, loving and caring, you couldn’t ask for a better companion and you know you should feel blessed. Yet still, every once in a while, you find yourself lying awake at night, fantasising over the buxom 19 year old cheerleader you saw the other day.

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24 Comments

  1. Jason says:

    Haha!

    Although, at this point, personally I would say that World of Warcraft is your first wife, she was everything you wanted until you figured out what it was you really wanted. Single now, you still keep in contact with her and occasionally flirt with the idea of getting back together for good, but you know that it won’t be any different than before, so you don’t and keep your eyes open for the one that will really fit.

  2. Stargrace says:

    Hah! Love it, though the games are slightly different in my case, the underlying meaning is fantastic ;)

  3. Krystalle says:

    It’s not quite where I’m at (for that matter, women don’t drive me as crazy) but it’s damn funny nonetheless. XD

    I might have to spin my own version of this, with your permission.

  4. Longasc says:

    I guess i am the unloved half-brother then, because my mother was Ultima Online (UO).

    My MMO-mommy is the best mommy ever. She had a different world view and beliefs than this cheap whore EQ! :)

    I wonder how Guild Wars fits into this scheme, as I played it much more than World of Warcraft.

    • Gordon says:

      I think Guild Wars would be the cousin that you fancy and kissed behind the bike sheds once but you know that a long term relationship is impossible as your kids would be the warped by-product of an incestious relationship.

  5. Nathan Hawks says:

    This would mean that Shadowrun and CP2020 are both perpetually the hottest underaged girls you will never meet.

  6. Jennifer says:

    I don’t know if the fact that it’s humorous negates the fact that it is sexist. I mean, it’s clever, but I’m not laughing as much as I am grimacing.

  7. Beej says:

    I wouldn’t even consider that sexist, really. Given that it’s from a male perspective on relationships with women, it’s simply calling out the differences in how he (or other men) might relate to members of the opposite sex.

    I thought it was brilliant, Gordon. I want a follow-up post about how MMOs relate to the male-sided relationships now. Warhammer Online is a perfect relation to that over-indulgent college buddy. ;)

  8. [...] had the opportunity to read a seriously funny post by Gordon of the We Fly Spitfires blog about how MMOs are a lot like women. Amusingly enough, this is actually something I’ve riffed on with friends before. I [...]

  9. Lani says:

    Good read.
    Made me realize it’s a shame there’s a whole generation not raised by Mother Everquest.
    You know, the ones that learned their social graces in WoW’s Badlands…

  10. [...] finally Gordon at We Fly Spitfires revels in misogyny as he compares MMOs to women. Quick summary: Age of Conan – slut. World of Warcraft – your willing love slave who [...]

  11. Twan says:

    Women, can’t live with them, can’t have heterosexual sex without em!

  12. Borris J. says:

    funny stuff man. sexiest maybe and a little crazy but funny!

  13. Wolfshead says:

    Nicely done and very funny! Very refreshing to see MMO blog authors like yourself who aren’t afraid to be politically incorrect.

    (The whole “ism” industry is a “make work” project created by self-serving college professors who then indoctrinate their naive students into the evils of said “isms” and force them to see everything through the rigid prism of “equality”.)

    • Gordon says:

      Thanks! I didn’t think it was particuarly sexiest but I preempted any complaints but admiting it was sexiest and chauvinistic right at the start :) I wasn’t trying to be anti-PC or anything like that… it just amused me :)

  14. [...] lastly, MMOs may be like women, or they may be like men, but Green Armadillo knows that MMOs are really our furry little four [...]

  15. [...] right, MMOs are a lot like women and, *stretch*, you might say that I’ve been around the block once or twice. Yes, I’ve [...]

  16. [...] MMORPGs Are A Lot Like Women With a shadow of a doubt, this is my most favourite article that I’ve written so far. I was worried that it would be misconstrued as being sexiest or some such when it was released but the feedback was both tremendous and overwhelming. I’m so glad so many people got as much of a laugh out of reading it as I did writing it. [...]

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