Why I’m Scared Of Geeks

Napoleon Dynamite

Defend yourself against crazy geeks with your leet bo staff skills

I’m a cool guy. That’s not bravado or arrogance talking, it’s just a plain ol’ fact. I’ve always been the cool kid, the one that all of the other nerds and dweebs looked up to and even now, in my advancing years, my coolness is intensifying rather than diminishing. The young bloods in my office look up to me like they’re Richie Cunningham and I’m the Fonz, waiting with baited breath for me to knock the SVN sever with my fist to get it started in the mornings. I was even the cool kid on my Computing course at University and the rest of the geeks used to tell of the legend about how once a real life girl actually talked to me. I suppose I can’t help it, I’m just that cool, definitely more Kirk than Picard.

I’ll let you into a little secret though: I’m terrified of some of the other geeks out there. In fact, they absolutely freak me out sometimes. I don’t know what it is about the computing hobby and profession that has a propensity to attract lonely, strange men who can’t quite fit into normal social circles and lack the basic skills to pick up on subtle social ques. Often tormented by their peers and unable to find a mate, they shun common society and hide away in the dark recesses of their computer caves, hacking away at Linux, devouring every video game they can find and scouring the web for blog articles written by other geeks comparing themselves to the Fonz.

Not that I’m generalising or anything. And yes, I know I’m being harsh and that there are very few geeks out there who actually conform to the stereotype I’ve just described above but admit it, you do know exactly the type of person I’m talking about. I’d even bet good money that’ve you’ve been cornered by some geek at a party once who spent the entire night telling you about how he just reinstalled Linux three times the night before in an attempt to increase performance by 0.01%, why Microsoft are more evil than the Nazis, why Ubuntu will one day become the most popular operating system on the planet and why Star Trek Voyager was actually a good show.

Most of these super-geeks are harmless enough and wouldn’t hurt a fly (and if they did try anything you could just recite Asimov’s first law and hope to God that they think they’re really a robot). However, for every few thousand harmless geeks out there there’s probably one real psycho geek who wouldn’t think twice about cutting your face off and wearing it like a mask if you wronged him online by kicking him from a guild, demeaning him on a forum or insinuated that the character of Janeway was a two-dimensional tart.

This is of course exactly why I’m against the idea of too much personal information being available on the Internet. Who knows who’s going to take something personal and seek revenge. It’s just plain scary.

Oh and I know I’ve been pretty free with my personal information on the web but that’s all about to change. From now on I shall be embracing the persona of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez Emilio Estevez, a retired Mexican luchador who has just discovered the the world of MMOs and decided to write a blog about it all. Hola senior!

-Gordon Juan

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27 Comments

  1. Longasc says:

    Pretty normal people you described there, except that totally sick Voyager geek. I would hunt him down and spread his ashes over all four quadrants. And this is why I am pro Real ID. ;)

  2. BlindedVisions says:

    There’s too much online that can get traced back to me. I assumed the name of Bob Sanchez a couple years back. >.>

    Does this fear have to do with your Ubuntu experience?
    I’m still getting poor fps and slow mouse but I heard Cataclysm will fix the hardware mouse thing we can’t use with OpenGL. *fingers crossed*

    I’ll be building a new box with Windows though.

    • Gordon says:

      Ah, Ubuntu :P I’m very torn in my feelings towards it. A really love a lot about it but then so much is also such a headache and requires hours of scouring the web before you can figure out how to do it :) WoW doesn’t seem to like my widescreen monitor in Ubuntu very much at all and crashes when I try to change resolution. Bah :(

  3. pasmith says:

    We in ‘first world’ countries grow more and more fearful with each generation. It won’t be long until we’re all living in our own plastic bubbles, limiting contact with other humans to being handled through at least 2 dozen randomly scrambled proxy servers.

    It’s sad that we’ve become so afraid of using our names on the web.

    And that’s why I’m pro Real ID.

  4. Bristal says:

    Dude. I’m totally with you. I’m so cool that I’ve had to change my name 6 times to keep my nerdy family from finding me. They’re all, buy us groceries! pay the mortgage! call your Mom!

    It’s all I can do to stay one step ahead of those little freakazoids.

  5. Leah says:

    /cry. Star trek voyager is my favorite of all star treks, though I will not hunt you down and spend inordinate amount of time convincing you of that fact, unless you completely unfairly put it down >_>

    seriously though, I don’t give out my first and last name to random people in real life, why shoudl I do so online? to a much larger pool of people too. (and before credit cards get mentioned, at the super market where I shop – you just swipe it, while cashier is not even looking, they don’t see my name, and signatures don’t have to be your first and last name, just something distinct that proves with your writing that you are you, and then of course there are all the automated vendors for transit tickets etc as well as self checkouts. getting yourself unlisted in yellow pages is free)

  6. Ah says the man that was about to send me all of his pertinent DSL information over the Internet!

    Not that I would of done anything with it other than help ya get back online :P

    But I agree, the world is a scary place and it took me over a year to scrub my name from the majority of the Internet. All that’s left is the two other poor saps that have as unique a name as I do and operate websites about BBQing pandas.

    • Gordon says:

      A guy at my work as the same name as a female porn star. I can assure you that he won’t be posting on the Blizzard forums any time soon :D

      • Ratshag says:

        Me RL Avatar’s dad has the same name as a certain hollywood superstar. Is very frustratings fer him when he goes ta check inta a hotel and gives his name, only fer the clerk ta say “yeah, right. buzz off, old man.” Well, okay, they’s more polite than that. But still.

  7. Peter says:

    Don’t go mocking Janeway Juan!

  8. amcl says:

    You’ll always be a geek in my eyes bro!

  9. Highlander says:

    If you are gonna use Juan Sanchez Villalobos Ramirez, then you should beware of the Kurgan and check every corner before turning around ;-)

  10. Stabs says:

    Hola Juan! It’s a cool name and no one would guess you were, well, you from the picture.

  11. amcl says:

    I see you finally put on your suit for the caption photo :)

  12. Rubel says:

    Yipes…I just mis-read one of the links in your banner as “Janeway Photos”.

  13. Jeff says:

    My wife and I tend to attract the cut your face off type of Psychopath, which just baffles us to no end, just this past Thursday I had to drive from Vermont to Albany NY to give a statement to the SBI because some Internet nut is stalking my family, but the NY police have a we will watch him until he makes a move or we can tie something to him policy, the Vermont Police thankfully is a little more proactive and are monitoring everthing the guy does online.

    Yes parents are afraid to let their Kids go outside I’m not there yet, but they are constantly watched and guarded by myself my wife and a Big ass Mastiff with a nasty temper, and my kids are home schooled…it’s simply the world we live in as sucky as that is.

    Jeff
    Companyofthewolf.org

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