Why My Wife Wants To Kick The Sh*t Out Of The Guy Who Designed Archaeology
For those of you who don’t know, Archaeology is a new profession in World of Warcraft introduced with the Cataclysm expansion that sees players fly (don’t even try it before then) around the world and “discover” ancient artifacts (which every unemployed hardcore player and their dog has already found). This, of course, translates into the simple mechanic of going to a designated spot on your map (sometimes a vast distance away from the previous one), clicking an icon on your task bar several times until you reveal an artifact fragment, collecting several dozen of them and then “solving” them to generate a useless piece of loot that 99.9% of the time serves no purpose whilst generating a handful of skill points in the process. And my wife utterly detests it.
Not that she plays WoW though. In fact, she refers to the game simply as “that colourful shiny thing I stare at all evening” and it’s fair enough to say that she would have trouble telling the difference if I gave up playing and started watching the Teletubbies instead. But she hates Archaeology and the people who designed it with a furious passion. Not actually because of the gameplay or anything else that might directly affect her but rather because it keeps me glued to the screen like an hypnotised chimpanzee for hours and hours on end. You see I’m hooked on Archaeology and I just can’t give up.
She’s usually very patient with me and can, somehow deep down, understand the appeal when I explain to her that I’m saving the realm from an evil dragon, slaughtering the unassuming in PvP (she’s taken to shouting “kill them!” in my ear while I play) or simply mocking my brother over Skype as tries to grasp the most basic concepts of the game. These things she gets. Maybe it’s the innate need to save or destroy or mock that lurks within me that she appreciates but whatever it is, I’m truly grateful for it.
But Archaeology? No, at that she draws the line. When she sees me pouring over my computer doing nothing but the occasional click and shuffle forward she simply can’t understand why I’d rather to that then spend my precious spare time with her instead. I’ve tried explaining to her that I’m doing it all because I want the epic Zin’rokh, Destroyer of Worlds but that doesn’t soothe her and, to be fair, it is a weak excuse at best. The simple fact is that I’m hooked like a fish on a line, exploited by the perfect mental manipulation that is Archaeology, staying up late at night and pleading with her to let me complete just one more artifact…
I suppose I should just man up here and take some personal responsibility. It’s not Blizzard’s fault that Archaeology is the MMO trade skill equivalent of grade A heroin and it’s quite funny really how many people are willing to pump in the huge number of hours it takes to grind away for the slim chance of an epic piece of loot. But I can’t, I’m simply too weak, so instead I blame the game and let WoW take the fall for me. I’m scum, I know.
So if you, by whatever happenchance, work at Blizzard and did design Archaeology, be on the look out for a demure, diminutive Japanese women who becomes easily enraged when drunk. I’ll probably be too busy surveying artifact fragments to help you.
P.S. My wife honestly would never hurt a fly and doesn’t give a crap about WoW so there’s no need to panic.