Why My Wife Wants To Kick The Sh*t Out Of The Guy Who Designed Archaeology

Zinrokh Destroyer of Worlds

My, what a big sword you've got...

For those of you who don’t know, Archaeology is a new profession in World of Warcraft introduced with the Cataclysm expansion that sees players fly (don’t even try it before then) around the world and “discover” ancient artifacts (which every unemployed hardcore player and their dog has already found). This, of course, translates into the simple mechanic of going to a designated spot on your map (sometimes a vast distance away from the previous one), clicking an icon on your task bar several times until you reveal an artifact fragment, collecting several dozen of them and then “solving” them to generate a useless piece of loot that 99.9% of the time serves no purpose whilst generating a handful of skill points in the process. And my wife utterly detests it.

Not that she plays WoW though. In fact, she refers to the game simply as “that colourful shiny thing I stare at all evening” and it’s fair enough to say that she would have trouble telling the difference if I gave up playing and started watching the Teletubbies instead. But she hates Archaeology and the people who designed it with a furious passion. Not actually because of the gameplay or anything else that might directly affect her but rather because it keeps me glued to the screen like an hypnotised chimpanzee for hours and hours on end. You see I’m hooked on Archaeology and I just can’t give up.

She’s usually very patient with me and can, somehow deep down, understand the appeal when I explain to her that I’m saving the realm from an evil dragon, slaughtering the unassuming in PvP (she’s taken to shouting “kill them!” in my ear while I play) or simply mocking my brother over Skype as tries to grasp the most basic concepts of the game. These things she gets. Maybe it’s the innate need to save or destroy or mock that lurks within me that she appreciates but whatever it is, I’m truly grateful for it.

But Archaeology? No, at that she draws the line. When she sees me pouring over my computer doing nothing but the occasional click and shuffle forward she simply can’t understand why I’d rather to that then spend my precious spare time with her instead. I’ve tried explaining to her that I’m doing it all because I want the epic Zin’rokh, Destroyer of Worlds but that doesn’t soothe her and, to be fair, it is a weak excuse at best. The simple fact is that I’m hooked like a fish on a line, exploited by the perfect mental manipulation that is Archaeology, staying up late at night and pleading with her to let me complete just one more artifact…

I suppose I should just man up here and take some personal responsibility. It’s not Blizzard’s fault that Archaeology is the MMO trade skill equivalent of grade A heroin and it’s quite funny really how many people are willing to pump in the huge number of hours it takes to grind away for the slim chance of an epic piece of loot. But I can’t, I’m simply too weak, so instead I blame the game and let WoW take the fall for me. I’m scum, I know.

So if you, by whatever happenchance, work at Blizzard and did design Archaeology, be on the look out for a demure, diminutive Japanese women who becomes easily enraged when drunk. I’ll probably be too busy surveying artifact fragments to help you.

-Gordon

P.S. My wife honestly would never hurt a fly and doesn’t give a crap about WoW so there’s no need to panic.

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18 Comments

  1. LordKaladar says:

    It’s exactly like the slot-machine psychology. You click over and over waiting for the reward, which comes randomly. What you really want is the rare, which you believe you’ll get, if you just keep clicking long enough.

    It reminds me of this great comic at Penny-Arcade: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2010/12/17/

    Your soul is theirs, now! Bwa ha ha!

  2. Ttrinity says:

    Aye. I’ve tried to get into archeology but the time oi. But all the while I’m pounding the group I keep thinking… I could be (mining, herbing bging, fill in the wow activity)..yet it lurks and mocks me. Beckoning me to find that epic. Gah!

  3. Klepsacovic says:

    I’ve given up on flying around much, just going over if a spot in near where I am anyway.

  4. amcl says:

    You could always cuddle up with her after each artifact you’ve collected and earn some game time ;-) if you catch my drift ;-)

    also, I ain’t no WoW noob no more! Soon to be an Age of Conan noob :-)

  5. It is so addictive! The perfect thing to do while watching a movie or something, imo, simply because of the fact it requires so little brain power to fly around and go click, click, click, click, click. Oh man, but when you get that rare artifact pop up, it’s such a great feeling. I’m all about the rare pets, the hell with ancient epic weapons ;)

  6. elleseven says:

    Haven’t tried it but it sounds so much like trying to fish that turtle mount in wotlk.

  7. Wasdstomp says:

    I never even knew that profession existed in WoW. After reading your post it sounded very familiar in a game currently in beta called Rift. It wasn’t a profession, but basically you clicked on sparkly artifacts, and put them into your collection book. You get armor, weapon, and etc loot when you complete certain collections.

    I found it very addicting in Rift, and I don’t even know what to fully expect from it yet. I found it sort of addicting like a puzzle, or that last trading card you need to complete a set.

  8. Nils says:

    Just can’t get myself to skill archaeology.
    Got it to 200 and am stuck für weeks now. It is too boring. But that is also what I think about slow machines. I can’t understand how people spend time in front of them. It is extremely boring for me.

  9. Bronte says:

    It is a disgraceful, time-consuming, bloated utterly crap mini-game designed to suck in your soul.

    I LOVE IT!

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