Posts Tagged ‘humour’

MMO Or Baby? Baby!

Ninja Baby

You all know my kid would be a badass

No, my wife isn’t pregnant. Yet. But it’s definitely on the cards – turns out the biological clock of a woman is an insane force to be reckoned with. Last time I likened it to a nuclear time bomb but I was wrong, it’s more like the most dangerous ninja on the planet, ready and waiting to attack. And attack she did. A couple of weeks ago I was awakened from a deep slumber in the middle of the night by the woman pouncing on me in a burst of animalistic sexual desire. It wasn’t until the deed had been done and she rolled off me with a smirk on her face that I realised just what had happened and a wave of utter terror flooded over me.

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The Silent Affair

Rift Silent Grouping

Silence is golden

Her name was Renneque. She was probably a man. We met in the dark, gloomy woods of Gloamwood. Aptly named, I thought. She was fighting the undead; so was I. I clicked a button and we formed a group, becoming one without ever saying a word, a single, cohesive fighting force of man/woman death.

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I Like Big Swords

Big Swords in Rift

Size matters

I can just imagine my Dad face palming as soon as he reads this headline. Oh how proud he must be of his well educated son who now spends his evenings coming up with childish innuendos and sexual euphemisms to write blog posts about. Still, if you’re having dirty thoughts then they’re probably your own as I’m being deadly serious. When I play MMOs I immediately pick melee classes and then go out of my way to find the biggest, meanest looking sword I can possibly find in order to proceed smacking the living daylights out of everything whilst giggling with glee. Does that make me weird? That was a rhetorical question by the way.

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I Was A Conquest Point Prostitute aka Why Community Doesn’t Matter

The arena. Where success in life is measured by a single number.

The arena. The ultimate challenge for geekery and finger dexterity.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve not been playing WoW for the past few days. Oh I’ll go back (already started thinking about a Paladin alt) but I just needed some time out, y’know? Aside from the fact that I’d hit a bit of a brick wall at level 85 and didn’t fancy the PvE item grind circus much I was getting fed up with PvP. I’d collected every piece of Honour Point armour possible and was getting in deep with the arena crowd. In fact, I’d made “friends” with a few peeps who wanted to get up the arena ladder and I ended up being their go to guy. Eventually I started to realise something though. As much as I was looking for fun and camaraderie, they were just looking for someone to help advance their own characters. Yep, I’d become a little Conquest Point prostitute.

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Why My Wife Wants To Kick The Sh*t Out Of The Guy Who Designed Archaeology

Zinrokh Destroyer of Worlds

My, what a big sword you've got...

For those of you who don’t know, Archaeology is a new profession in World of Warcraft introduced with the Cataclysm expansion that sees players fly (don’t even try it before then) around the world and “discover” ancient artifacts (which every unemployed hardcore player and their dog has already found). This, of course, translates into the simple mechanic of going to a designated spot on your map (sometimes a vast distance away from the previous one), clicking an icon on your task bar several times until you reveal an artifact fragment, collecting several dozen of them and then “solving” them to generate a useless piece of loot that 99.9% of the time serves no purpose whilst generating a handful of skill points in the process. And my wife utterly detests it.

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My MMO Birthday Wish List

Dark Tower Comic

The announcement of a Dark Tower MMO would make me cry and pee myself at precisely the same time

It’s my birthday this month and considering there isn’t much in left in terms of actual ‘real’ stuff that I want (although I wouldn’t say no to either an iPad or a shiny new Samsung R590 laptop if anyone in my family is reading) I decided I would compile a fantasy list of all of the MMO related things I’d wish they do. So please, Baby Jesus, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, if you’re listening, for my birthday I want…

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Cataclysm Is Now Live (In Europe)

Worgen Priest

"My, what big teeth you have!" "The better to pwn you with n00b, lolz!"

Ah. That sweet, sweet new expansion smell is upon us as Cataclysm has now finally launched (in Europe). After months of eager anticipation and consternation and trepidation, we (Europeans) are now finally able to play the Cataclysm expansion (in Europe). I’ve overcome my shame and will gladly admit that my fingers were quivering like a gentle first time lover as I created my Worgen Priest on my bustling (European) server, filled to the brim with other (croissant eating) players (of European habitation).

I could make the somewhat unpopular decision to gloat about the fact that it’s still December 6th (in Europe and America) and I am able to play without the unfortunate need to stand outside in a queue at a shop front in the midst of a freezing (European) winter to collect my copy. No sir, digital was the way to go tonight and I’m eternally thankful (to Sir Tim Berners-Lee, a great European who instigated birth of the Internet) for it.

Anyway, I hope everyone (who’s European) is enjoying Cataclysm right now (in Europe) as much as I am. I couldn’t imagine having to wait even another moment more to play it. Cause that would really suck.

Bonne nuit, gute nacht, buona notte and buenas noches el compadres.

-Sir Gordon of Europe