Posts Tagged ‘humour’

You Know You’ve Made It As A Blogger When…

It’s often hard to gauge the ’success’ (if we can use that word although we really shouldn’t) of a blog. To some, 10 regular readers is a success yet to others only 100,000 will suffice. It’s all relative. And even then, rewards can vary and are often very subjective. Professional bloggers are successful because they make enough money to earn a living; I’m successful because I get the occasionally flattering email or comment that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Regardless, success is hard to measure. But there is one way…

Here are the steps, in ascending order, of knowing if you’re blog is successful:

1. You get automated spam comments advertising viagra, dental floss or facelifts

Receiving that first comment in your spam folder is such a lovely feeling. Finally you know that the world of the Interweb has accepted you into it’s emotionally scarred bosom. Enjoy this first moment and soak it up, it will never feel the same again.

2. You get automated spam emails from people looking to advertise their online casino or Flash based MMO on your blog

Now you’re warming up! Not only are the spammer targeting your comments section with automatic spam but they’re now sending you direct emails too! Those clever devils. Advertise for an online Chinese casino on my blog? Sure, thing! Need my bank account details to send me my massive cheque? Of course!

3. You get personalised spam comments from trolls

What’s that? Someone took several minutes out of their lives to think up poorly worded insults and badly written slurs? This is the sign you’re truly starting to make it as a blogger so savour every moment of it. Take a screenshot of those comments and email it to your mum for her to see your new found success.

4. You have your own nemesis

Ahh, now you’re starting to get really popular! Your own personal stalker who can’t write their own original blog posts and instead has to counter everything you say with their own parasitic rebuttal. The nemesis is rare and few and far between so count yourself lucky if you’re one of the few with their own personal stalker. And remember, underneath that veil of pretence is someone who admires you deeply.

5. You have your own parody

Whoa! Jackpot, baby! Imitation is the highest form of flattery, as they say. Very few bloggers have had their own parody before and it’s truly a sign of greatness when it happens. Highly sycophantic, incredibly funny and very flattering, just be wary that the person parodying you is probably fantasising about wearing your skin as a mask.

I reckon I’m just starting to edge into #3 and I’m looking forward to achieving the next few steps over the years to come (one can only hope). Where does your blog reside?


The Dungeon Finder Makes Me Feel Like A Whore

Please excuse the vulgarity of the title and my apologies to any prostitutes reading, it’s nothing personal against your profession.

I’ve been using the World of Warcraft Dungeon Finder tool quite a lot recently and every time I’ve finished a ‘run’, I feel like I need to take a bath. The whole experience leaves me feeling dirty (and I don’t mean that in a good way). Unless I’m playing with friends, my typical experience finds me receiving a group invite immediately after selecting myself to fill the tank role (talk about instant gratification or what) and then thrown into a room surrounded by my new Johns.

“Go”, is usually the first word to be uttered by one of the Johns. “Hi there”, I reply. “Go, go!” they respond. “Everyone buffed up and ready to start?” I enquire. “Go, go, go, go!” they persist. I pull the first couple of enemies and start to tank them. “Bigger pulls! Pull bigger!” someone demands. I pull more. “Bigger, bigger, bigger”, the Mage runs off to nuke a huge cluster of enemies around the corner. I let him die.

After learning their lesson, my Johns become submissive and let me lead the show. Like a robotic German surgeon, we cleanly and efficiently finish the dungeon in record time and in pure silence. Silence is best I find, who wants to form lasting bonds and friendships with other players anyway? Sometimes my efforts are appreciated with a “ty” or “gj”. I savor those moments and add them to my mental memory box of happy thoughts so I can whip them out to cheer myself up when I’m feeling sad or depressed. Finally, I scurry off to check my rewards.

A little bit of coin, a few blue tanking items that the Warlock didn’t roll ‘need’ on and a random reward in a sack of delight. My job is finished, my Johns satisfied, I feel used and abused. But a little bit closer to the next level… and that’s all that matters.


How To Be Romantic: Celebrate Valentines Day In A MMORPG

Dearest wife,

My love for you is like an eternal well that spouts sparkly pink champagne love drops. I pondered many ways in which to show my deepest affection for you and pondered even further the ways we could celebrate our loving relationship together. A romantic candlelit dinner for two, mayhaps? Nay, too cliché. 24 red roses delivered to your bedside by a naked me? Non, too contrived. Some shiny silver jewellery perhaps? Niet, I know how you just deplore material things like diamonds and platinum.

But alas, fret not my dear, for I have foundest the perfect way for me to convey my feelings towards yonself! I shall spend all evening in front of my computer questing by myself in World of Warcraft in order to complete a series of trivial tasks and earn special “Love is in the Air” achievements. I shall then take some screenshots of myself receiving the rewards for you to peruse on your laptop alone at a time of your suiting. And thus through this bound our love shall grow ever stronger.

I can only hope that one day you shall find it within your heart to return this favour and shower me with the cyber affection that I so wholly give to you.

You humble and ever obedient husband,

Gordon


Husband Picks Wife Over Orc; WoW More Addictive Than Cocaine

These absurd headlines are of course from The Scottish Sun, a tabloid so devoid of intellect it could make a cockroach look like Stephen Hawking. Of course it’s good for a laugh sometimes. And page 3.

A Scottish Couple And There Orc

A Scottish Couple And Their Orc

The cleverly titled article “It’s him Orc me” was published on Monday and is a story about a Scottish man who, for the past six years, owned a 6ft full size statue of an Orc from World of Warcraft until his wife forced him to give it away, threatening to leave him if he didn’t. Tough call. Of course the really impressive thing is that he’s managed to own the statue longer than the game’s even been released.

But The Sun isn’t just a newspaper just about delivering saucy lifestyle information. No sir, it’s also there to deliver real facts. Apparently experts have now discovered, using science, that World of Warcraft is more addictive than crack cocaine. Great. Now I’ve got to give up both of them.

Yet the saddest thing of all? The Sun is the most popular newspaper in Scotland.

P.S. Thanks to ‘office jerk’ from the comments section of this Keen and Graev post for pointing out the first article to me.

P.P.S. If anyone’s worrying about the Orc, don’t. It’s found a new home with another family in Aberdeen. Bless.


The Man Who Would Be King Of EVE Online

Last weekend I watched The Man Who Would Be King over at a friend’s house. In case you’re not familiar with it, it’s a film set in the time when Britain still ruled India about two ex-soldier scoundrels who decide to venture into Kafiristan, seeking gold and glory and the opportunity to make themselves kings. It’s a damn fine film, highly recommended – and I’m not just saying that because it stars The King of Scotland, Sir Sean Connery.

The Man Who Would Be King

The Man Who Would Be King

During the film, we starting discussing how great the British Colonial era was (y’know, so long as you were rich and white) and how there seemed to be more opportunity for adventure than there is now. Although The Man Who Would Be King is fictional, the book it’s based on was inspired by real life events and people. I can’t quite imagine anything like that happening today and there’s something about the freedom of the past that appeals to the (latent) adventurer in me. If only we were able to still able to undertake such amazing adventures and hi-jinks today…

And thus, an idea was born.

My friend and I will plan to save up enough money to be able to quite our jobs and live comfortably for at least three months. Once said funds are accrued, we will resign from our work and hand notice in on our apartments, finding a completely new, small apartment with a high-speed Internet connection that we can both live in together. We will shun all contact with the outside world and abstain from both drink and women. We will then purchase and create two completely new accounts in EVE Online and create the characters ‘Daniel Dravet’ (me) and ‘Peachey Carnehan’ (him).

Our objective? To become Kings of EVE Online.

We would start small, befriend some naive players, join a corporation each and slowly work our ways up the ranks, eventually gaining the attention of our leaders. Then, once we are loyal lieutenants,we would offer to lead the armies into wars against their enemies, slowly destroying our opponents and building the trust and respect of our comrades. Eventually we would strike, like cobras from the mist, and subvert our leaders to gain control of our corporations and join them together into one gigantic sovereignty, spanning the entire galaxy. We will be the rulers of all that we survey.

Obviously the plan’s not 100% perfect but I think it’s pretty foolproof. Now, I just need to tell my wife…


MMORPG Skills For Real Life Situations

Anyone who follows me on Twitter will know that I had quite the adventure with a sofa delivery from Ikea today. They turned up 8:30am on my doorstep, shoved the gigantic item in my hallway and then informed me that it wouldn’t fit through the door into my living room. They then left. Great. Thanks Ikea!!

Long story short, I was eventually able to solve the problem by myself and get the sofa into the living room and I did this by utilising some skills that I had learnt from MMORPGs. Yes, turns out gaming for hours on end every night actually has it’s benefits and may eventually pay off for you. Here are the skills that came in handy for me:

Taunting

Fortunately I’m not very good at this particular skill (as my bruiseless face will testify) and at no point did the delivery men actually aggro on me enough to cause physical harm. My continually taunts and berating though, weak as were, did help satisify me immensely, allowing me to keep a level head during the situation. Helpful hint: avoid using your taunting skills in real life situations unless you’re an accomplished tank.

Crowd Control

All of those hours, days, months of playing an Enchanter in Everquest rung true for me today when I found I was aptly able to deal with resulting crowd. Whether it was positioning my wife or my other belongings in key places, this important MMORPG skill allowed me to clear a path for my sofa, eventually enabling it to slide through the doorway into position.

DPS

Ultimately, my new sofa eventually made it’s way into my living through my sheer use of DPS. I think I topped 2k DPS at one point. Boom!

Healing

All good MMO gamers know that after battle, comes the heals. If it hadn’t been for some apt healing on my part, both my wife’s and mine mental fatigue and stress would have been too much to cope with. I’m no raid healer but at least I can keep our HPs up.

So there you have it – MMORPG skills can be useful in real life situation. Next time your filling out a resumé or an online dating application, think to yourself “what applicable MMORPG skills could I list here?”. You’ll surprise yourself.


Have A Party, Have A Windows 7 Party

Unless you’ve be hiding under an Apple Mac for the past year you’ll probably be aware that Windows 7 will be launching in a couple of weeks. It’s been hailed as the next messiah and what XP was to Millennium and, quite frankly, that’s good enough praise for me.

To coincide with the Windows 7 launch, Microsoft are encourage users to have Windows 7 “parties”. Yep, that’s right, par-tays, dawg. Now I don’t know about you but I’m a mega-geek and I even I draw the line at inviting all of my friends over to drink low-alcohol beer, eat nachos and talk about last night’s “game” (American football reference y’all) as we crowd around my PC and geek out all of the cool new features Windows 7 has to offer.

“Oooh, check out the new version of Windows Explorer.”

“You’re so awesome for inviting us over for a Windows 7 party, Gordon.”

“Seeing the decreased boot time of Windows 7 really makes me want to have your babies, Gordon.”

Uh huh.

Still don’t believe me that Microsoft are actively pushing this is a legitimate thing? Watch the vid below.

Ironically enough this video is almost so bad, it’s good. If it were a spoof, I’d be chuckling my arse off but the fact that it’s real makes me want to cry inside. Microsoft are even sending out launch party kits to help you plan your event. Oh boy.

Now I hate those combat trouser wearing, iPod carrying, grinning idiot Botherhood of the Mac users as much as you but least Apple don’t encourage us to throw parties to celebrate the launch of Snow Leopard. This has to take the biscuit with Microsoft. If you’re going to have the balls to use Windows at least keep it quiet and hide your shame.