Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Inbreeding In Aion

Next time you’re playing Aion keep your eyes open for signs of inbreeding. You’ll probably be surprised at how abundant and rampant it is. Typical signs of inbreeding include avatars who are exceptionally large and brutish or utterly minuscule and tiny. These represent the two extremes of inbreeding known as gigantism and dwarfism. The more ugly and disturbing form of inbreeding though can be seen in a few cases when the avatar is fantastically deformed with hugely disproportionate limbs. Their name may also be rather strange and be either an attempt at comedy or reminiscent of redneck America.

A classic example of inbreeding can be seen below.

Inbreeding In Aion

Inbreeding In Aion

Unfortunately this sort of thing is inevitable when there are so few races available to encourage inter-breeding. Without the option to select an Ogre, Gnome or Dwarf, avatars are forced to be created in their desired style which often goes against the nature of the race in question. The result is of course is an immediate break from whatever immersion is currently being felt as one is reduced to fits of laughter over the poor, disfigured soul.

In all seriousness though, if you wish to see an example of a heathly, non-inbred population even when faced with limited race options, travel to Hyboria in the Age of Conan. There one can witness a diverse culture that has managed to thrive in the face of endogamy and produce attractive offspring and a large variety of uniquely appearing avatars.

P.S. Just in case you’re into this sort of thing, best check if marrying your cousin is legal in your state before booking the venue.

I Miss The Trains

One of my first, and fondest, memories of MMORPGs is playing Everquest and hearing the screams of “TRAINNNNN!!!!” whilst adventuring in Blackburrow. That word usually meant that you either had to make a very quick exit to the zone line or face death. Ah, how I miss the trains.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, the word “train” was used to describe a stream of mobs (monster or beasts!), forming quite literally a train of evil, chasing a player until they zoned. See, in the original Everquest, mobs never stopped chasing you until you killed them, died, or zoned away. They were like the Terminators of MMOs. They also had an unfortunate habit of being very aggressive and attacking anyone that happened to get in their way which is what made trains so dangerous. If a player was running with a train of creatures chasing him, they would stop and attack everyone they encountered on their path. Fortunately this style of A.I. was quickly phased out in later games.

Train in Steamfront Mountains, Everquest

Train in Steamfront Mountains, Everquest

Trains were usually caused in dungeons when a player or group got in over their heads. Mistime the spawn rate or accidentally aggro a roaming mob and you’d be forced to either die in glorious battle or run for your lives. Players being the cowards that they are *ahem* following their natural instinct for survival tended to opt for the latter and leg it for safety as quickly as possible with little heed of the consequences to others in the zone. Most at least had the courtesy to shout “TRAINNNNN!!!!” when they did it – I even had it as a macro on my hotbar.

So why do I miss those trains? No, I’m not a masochists, I just miss the memories and challenges that they brought. Trains gave players the opportunity to be cowards or to be heroes, to be scared or to be brave. Without trains I wouldn’t have the memories of running for my life through Blackburrow or being miracously saved by some huge Ogre Warrior.

Trains are about creating social interaction and co-operation through challenge. It’s not about making life frustrating for the players (although I dare say it was to some) but rather it’s about creating an element of risk and consequence which in return made our endeavours that much more fulfilling. Without risk, there can be no reward.

So next time you’re running for your life in some dungeon in some virtual world in some MMORPG, stop, think, and try to start a train. Bonus points go to the most inventive scream.

Urban Ninja 2

A friend of mine sent me a link to a YouTube Video called Urban Ninja 2 and I thought it was fantastic. Obviously being a mid-twenties male I’m predisposed to find anything with Ninja in it incredibly cool but this video is actually genuinely funny. What’s not to like about a guy dressed up like a Ninja running around rural England freaking out the locals? We never had Ninja in the UK before so we’ve not built a tolerance to them yet. All kinda reminds of the film American Ninja which I saw when I about seven years old and loved ever since.

Head over to for more Ninja fun.

World of Warcraft Is A Lot Like Cake

I can’t help it, it’s just so damn tasty. I know it’s bad for me and that there really are a ton of better things out there to satisfy me and maybe it will pass but right now, right this moment, I’m feeling it for WoW again. You see, I reckon World of Warcraft is a lot like cake. We know it’s for kids, we know it’s not healthy and too much of it will leave us overweight, spotty and alone, yet deep down inside we all crave it.

Starting a new alt (a Hunter – I tried a Shaman too but the Hunter won it out) has reinvigorated my enjoyment of WoW and my desire to play it. And I welcome these feelings. I feel like a fat kid trapped in bakery trying to gorge himself on sweet, sweet cake. Eventually I’ll either sicken myself of it and vomit or go insane from the sugary rush it supplies but right now I’m happy. This cake is oh so so good.

Hmmm, cake.

Cake! OMG cake! OFMG expensive cake!

Cake! OMG cake! OFMG expensive cake!

Top Secret MMORPGs That Were Never Released

Something that people don’t know about me is that I’m kinda like the James Bond of the MMORPG world. I’m smart, sexy, look good in a tuxedo and know how to kill a man with a toothpick. However, instead of sleeping with lots of different women, I sleep with MMOs… and some of them have been so top secret, so well covered up, that you’ve most likely never even heard of them. But that’s all about to change. Behold, a rundown of some top secret MMOs that were never released.

The A-Team

The A-Team MMO was built by the original cast of the A-Team TV show in a matter of hours from odd bits of spare code after they were accidentally locked in the building of a software development company one afternoon. Although a little buggy, this MMORPG saw every player reinact the A-Team experience by becoming a maverick renegade on the run from the law. Classes included “Vietnam Veteran”, “Tough Black Guy With A Single Phobia” and “Utterly Insane Person”. In an ironic twist, the A-Team MMORPG was shut down by the US government before it entered closed beta.

My Little Pony vs Carebears

A brutal and bloody PvP centred MMO, My Little Pony vs Carebears was actually the first MMORPG to feature fatalities, fully voiced swearing and nudity. Classes included “Destroyer Of Life”, “Unicorn of Death”, “Killer Grizzly Bear” and “Mr Cuddles”. Described by one tester as “the sickest, most brutal and disgusting game I’ve ever played – I love it”, My Little Pony vs Carebears was eventually banned in every country in the world due to it’s graphic nature. The developers are rumoured to have later created the Grand Theft Auto and Manhunt games.

The Wire

Heralded as the first ever “hyper-reality” MMORPG, The Wire took the term sandbox to a whole new level. Based on the popular US TV show of the same name, everything within the game happened in real time and all actions has consequences. Players were required to participate in stakeouts, happening in real time, and lasting anywhere between 12 and 36 hours – logging off at any point could result in the perp going free and the mission failing. Continual failures would ultimate lead to losing your job and been forced to continue playing the game as a Rent-A-Cop. Combat was also a rarity and any time a player shot someone, they would suspended from the force until a full inquiry could be carried out, usually lasting several months. One closed beta player described the game as “boring as hell and utterly shit”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – The MMORPG

The concept behind Arnold Schwarzenegger – The MMORPG was so radical when it was first conceived that very few people believed it could ever be a success. The game was an amalgamation of every Arnie film ever made and saw all users play as Arnold Schwarzeneggers (customisation options were limited as a result). Class included “The Terminator”, “The Predator”, “The Commando” and the “Pregnant Man” and the game featured the first ever verbal emote system allowing player characters to activate quick one-liners such as “you’re luggage” and “stick around” after killing an enemy. Unfortunately the entire code base for the game was wiped out in a malicious hacking attack just before it was due to enter closed beta. Blizzard, who once described the game as “perfection wrapped in awesomeness and served on the Internet” and a “serious threat to their MMO monopoly” denied any involvement in the attack. CEO, Senior Designer and Chief Programmer, Arnold Schwarzenegger stated that the loss of the game was a huge blow to the future of humanity.

This blog post will now self-destruct in 30 seconds. Thanks for reading.

Where Do You Read Your Blogs?

The iPhone has changed the way I use the toilet. If you take away anything from reading this article, let it be that. I think about the toilet in a different way now. Before it was just a chore as a result of a bodily function that I didn’t look forward to (OK, maybe I looked forward to it a little) but now, oh yes, it’s something I’m actively excited about all because I have an iPhone.

Cramming in 10 or 20 or, heck, even 30 minutes of “toilet time” has become a great opportunity for me to spend a little quality, one-on-one time with my favourite gadget. And yes, I admit it, I even read blogs on the bog. I can’t help it, my office has Wi-Fi.

Google Reader is particularly good for catching up on all of my favourite blogs. I usually read them throughout the day whenever I have a stolen moment (see above) and then mark them as “keep unread” so I can follow them up later when I get home and write a comment if I’ve got anything worthwhile to say. I love blogging and I love reading other people’s blogs. There’s nothing quite like logging into Google and seeing 56 unread articles awaiting my intimate dissection.

So, tell me. Bathroom, bed, laptop, office, shower, café, top of a mountain or bottom of the ocean – where do you read your blogs?

I’d apologise for the toilet humour in this post but I know you loved it.


I’m one of those lucky guys who enjoys a healthy bromance with his H.L.P. (Hedro Life Partner). Although our wives are filled with seething jealously at our unshakable bond we both still remain happily married (to women). We’ve also had our fair share of relationships in the past – in fact, I was known as quite the ladies man on my computing degree at university as I used to group with more female avatars than anyone else I knew. I was hot and those female elves dug me.

So, of course, I am eagerly awaiting the release of the movie HUMPDAY. Remember, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with two men celebrating their manhood.